The Diaries of Wendy Wensum – What a Pantomime

It was our first experience of a teams-of-eight competition. Millie and I, with six fellow members of the Riverside BC, turned up for the county inter-club championship with the daunting task of playing against all the other clubs in a large field. In the match against a neighbouring club, one board in particular illustrated varying attitudes to hand evaluation by producing four widely differing contracts. This was the deal in question:

As we approached the table, Millie whispered in my ear, ‘South is Monica, she’s a bit of a madam, a bit of an actress. Behind her back she’s known as Mona. Last Christmas she played Dick Whittington in the local pantomime. I hear she is auditioning for the part of Cinderella next time. Personally, I think one of the Ugly Sisters may be a better role.’ ‘Millie, behave,’ I said with little hope of compliance. Monica was dealer and opened 1❤️. Sitting West, I considered making an overcall. After some thought, I rejected bidding 2♣️ on the grounds that the suit was rather weak, and decided against an unusual 2NT because Millie prefers at least 5-5 in the minors. I did not want to double as she was bound to lift the roof if she held spades and so I passed reluctantly. ‘Director, a hesitation’ declared Monica accusingly with belligerent intent. ‘Did I hear a please?’ asked the director on his arrival at our table. Monica did not respond to his reasonable question. Millie and I agreed the hesitation demurely and Monica looked disappointed at the lack of an argument on the issue. The full sequence was:

With the ♠️A, two top diamonds and a trump to lose, the contract drifted one off for plus 100 to us. ‘James, why do you close your eyes when you are dummy?’ snapped the amateur actress suddenly. ‘Is my declarer play that bad?’ she demanded menacingly. ‘No, no, I’m just thinking,’ responded Jim, her hen-pecked husband. ‘Then don’t think when you drive me home,’ she commanded in loud rich theatrical tones. Monica’s dramatic antics were sustained throughout the set of boards. As we left the table for the next round, I unwisely continued the thespian theme by mentioning to Millie that Spouse and I had gone to the theatre recently to see ‘One Man Two Governors’ and that it had been a sell out with no seats left. ‘That sounds uncomfortable. What did you sit on?’ she retorted. I made no response; I simply noted that old jokes, particularly those based on tautology and puns are not necessarily the best jokes. Later, as we scored up, we discovered that, unlike me, Jo had made an overcall of 2♣️ on the West hand, so the auction went:

Losing just the two aces, Jo and Kate had made 4♣️+1 for plus 150 and were rather annoyed with themselves for not bidding game. Needless to say, at this point Millie announced that, holding my hand, she too would have entered the bidding with an overcall and would have bid game on finding the club fit. I reflected that bridge is much easier after retrospective analysis. At the other two tables, our North-South pairs had no interference in their auctions. One pair had a rather optimistic sequence.

With five spades in the East hand, it was not a great contract and went four off for minus 400, but at least it had not been doubled. At the final table, there was a more restrained approach and our fourth pair rested in 2❤️ making nine tricks giving us plus 140.

In spite of three positive scores on the board, the aggregate score was minus 10, converting to zero IMPs. Fortunately, we still managed to win that match and, with a mixture of losses and wins elsewhere, we finished comfortably in the middle of the field. It was a perfectly satisfactory result in our first event of this type. In the hostelry later, Millie, Jo, Kate and I got back to the subject of pantomimes and Monica and wondered whether men liked amateur dramatics too. Needless to say, Millie tried to have the last word with, ‘Jim does; he likes dressing up. I do have sympathy for Monica though. He is much the prettier.’ In fact, it was Kate who ended the discussion in pantomime style with, ‘Millie, you need to watch what you say about Monica; she’s behind you!’ Millie ignored the jape by changing the subject to a more pressing concern, ‘Landlord, another round of the same, if you please.’